Outcast

Me. I am the outcast now, and starting to realize that it is a good thing.

I used to be right in the center. People would call me, and come to my house for food, drinks, weed, and a good time. I was generous when we would go out as a group, and never thought twice because I didn’t need anything from them. And I would never take that back, as I had a great time and those memories will stay with me forever.

Now my world is different. I got married and couldn’t hang out as much. Then I got divorced, depressed, and in debt. I had been broken in my marriage/divorce and needed to put myself back together. And not just put the pieces back together, I needed to place them in the optimal positions. So I needed to start from scratch, build myself up as an individual - into the hero that I know I can become. Now I’m living in my van, trying to build something real, and very few of the people who were part of my life are there anymore. It hit me hard a couple weeks ago when the Super Bowl rolled around because I used to have people over to my house all the time for things like that, and was excited this year to reconnect with people I knew on this day, as I rarely get out these days.

I bought a pie from my stand at the farmers market to bring with me since I rarely drink. Then I got a text saying that there were too many people there, and I was uninvited to the party. And as much as I would like to say that it didn’t hurt, it did. Honestly it’s not even about hanging out with the people at this point because I’m very happy with myself, but just to feel like an outcast after a long time sucks. I know people don’t even intend for it to be this way but they have probably never lived in their van for a year and a half...

Now, I don’t want you to worry about me because I’m perfectly fine. I know I am good inside and I know that my intentions are good. It is simply that I’m deeply struggling to stay positive and motivated. I feel like most people today are full of words and void of actions, and because of this I am losing my faith in humanity. I want so hard to believe that we are better than these self-destructive creatures but actions speak louder than words. Are we just going to forget about our children and tell them we were too comfortable to change? We are the ones with the power: how we spend our time, how we spend our dollar, where we put our energy... So, why are we continuing to push each other away instead of coming together as a community? I feel like I’m missing something.

I’ve been working incredibly hard to build a website to do something to change the way people use technology. I think that bartering is a much better system than the way we spend our dollar, destroying our environment and ourselves. It is important for us to realize that the way we treat our environment is the way we treat ourselves. The cigarette smoker is flicking the cigarette butt out their window, onto their own body. We are this world, it is our home, and it is not the corporations to pollute. And we are the corporations because we feed them our time and our money. It is time to start thinking of our children, and our children's children.

I don’t care that I am an outcast, in fact I think it is definitely a good thing. I am proud of myself for taking the steps to explore myself, so that I can understand where I need to grow. I live in the home that I built for myself so please don’t feel bad that I live in a van. My van is all I need for now. But don’t treat me any differently because I see through my eyes and through yours. I grew up privileged and I could easily be working more for someone else so that I could afford a rental. But this is not how I would like to spend my time or money. I am going to build something huge, a community for myself and anyone who needs it. I believe my generosity will become contagious at some point. Nothing will stop me from giving to people, or pushing humanity forward. I simply need to find the most effective way to make change, and maybe Smeezy, or the soap company I’m building, or my current mindset won't take me there. But, I will learn, and I will grow, and I will become better. I will touch lives along the way and I will be me. I will have integrity and honesty. I will never stop moving forward.

Help someone in need today.

Keep it easy, keep it Smeezy,

Peace and Love,

William S.

www.smeezy.com